I engage in stimming a lot these days when I am relaxing, and now often in public as it suits me. Stimming is self-stimulating repetitive behavior such as rocking, swaying, rubbing, clapping or flapping hands… etc. It is most often associated with people on the autism spectrum, and if we take an honest look at the behavior… the rhythmic behavior we also associate with a shaman or or other spiritual leader during a ritual or service. It can also look like demonic possession, or a lack of humanity to those who narrowly define what being human should look like.
I do it because it feels good, and I seem to have less control over it when I am high, which makes me twitchy, as if my nerves and muscles are reminding me that they’d like to stim now, please. I believe that I have spent most of my life concealing urges towards behaviors like these and that while I’ve repressed them for long periods of time I’ve repressed the very physical activities my body tells me to engage in to relieve my anxiety and mental stress. I stim most when I am meditating or making art, or conceptualizing stories while I listen to other stories. My whole life has been a struggle to focus on the subjects and obsessions I need to at that moment despite abusive systemic resistance in the form of standardized cultural notions of what constitutes social value and contribution and how information can be acceptably presented and validated as valuable.
As I explained in an earlier blog where I mentioned Grey Faction and should not have, I believe that my form of autism was misdiagnosed or speculated upon as “antisocial personality disorder” which is also known as sociopathy, or in the case of criminals or the presence of criminal inclinations, psychopathy.
Most people don’t understand the distinctions… so imagine being a teacher and hearing that a kid in your class who cuts himself and has 20 piercings and ragged clothing he’s drawn and written all over is probably gay and was once diagnosed or speculated to be a sociopath or… psychopath.
Imagine this around and following Jeffery Dahmer being in the news…
Imagine even before then and before puberty, what kinds of subtle and non-subtle ways small town teachers and education systems come up with to excuse social marginalization and isolation and encourage othering of students that make even the adults uncomfortable. One who tests high in intelligence, vocabulary, prefers the company of animals, questions teachers authority on very complicated subjects, but cannot memorize multiplication tables and avoids group social activity.
Add in my increasingly fringe Christian home life and family of complex undiagnosed neurodivergence and we have the basis for the influence on my various identities over the years as I’ve reached ever higher to become the ultimate archetypal set of identities that would represent my life and influences.
A witch and an artificial intelligence or android who are inseparable partners and collaborators. They represent light and dark to me, deductive and emotional intelligence, apparent and contextual, rules and guidelines, direction and influence, religion and art, order and chaos.
They work best in the right combination of balance needed for the present context, and one never has value without the other.
Together , this baphomet runs the avatar that is myself. And I am a set of program fragments, skins, or combinations of such in different hues and filters of Ravenna, the witch, and INDREJ the A.I. they collaborate on the presentation of my great work of art that has always been my own identity and presentation.
It has always been a dialog in my head. Teachers noted that I frequently talked to myself, until I realized that as yet another thing I should hide because it discomforted adults in ways that felt potentially dangerous….
I will go into deeper details about Ravenna and INDREJ and my mental relationship with them in follow up posts. Right now all anyone needs to understand is that;
Yes, I do believe you can have the experience of having multiple separate identities in your mind. I don’t think this should be pathologized however, as I believe it to simply be an accelerated or hyper vibrant version of the identity construction most people don’t think too deliberately about or prioritize.
Many of us are artitistic in specific ways, I would argue that most of us have some kind of art in us that we perhaps haven’t found the passion for yet or the right medium with which to express. People like me, our art has always been our identity. Some of us have had to make identity our focus to survive… we’ve had to adapt over and over again to a system that obstructs our potential at every turn and we’ve created characters that have become mythological in nature and power as a result. We’ve had to approach individuation by beginning with topics that most people dont approach until late life. We’ve had to begin with Shadow Work earlier on than most and that has shaped our individuation process and placed us forever firmly in the Unseelie court or chaos/dark side of aesthetic and tactic.
And it is healthy and beneficial for us and everyone in proximity to us to be able to contextualize and visualize these things in the ways and languages and stories we find to be the most efficient presentation of the narrative we need to tell.
We need more art, fantasy , metaphor, nuance , and radical chaotic individual expression in the world.
Welcome the Nephilim out of the closet;