Art, Gnostic Satanism, Queer, Satanism, Transhumanist, Uncategorized

Georgia Guidestones, Ten Tenets of Human Wisdom in Reconciliation with Nature.


In Athens Georgia, I passed by a Human Rights Campaign representative standing near a Chick Fil A asking a man passing by if he “had a moment for LGBT rights”

“No, I’m more of a Chick Fil A man myself” he snickered as he headed in.

I hope he chokes on his sandwich, if for no other reason than the fact that he didn’t even have the personal integrity to make his own bigoted statement of nonsupport or self-absorption, but instead he hid behind validation of the standpoint of a company that “stands” for him.

The Hanged Men

Many people are now just a parasitic virus upon the body of the Earth. Beings that have the capacity to understand that consumption and expansion cannot be sustained in perpetuity,  and simply don’t care, cause fuck it, they “like cheap chicken sandwiches and driving cars on cheap gas… and feeling validated in an imaginary superiority mandated by a bloody war God…” despite all evidence to the contrary that humanity has a feasible future on that path.

I have felt this way since youth. I have always been drawn to statements and movements such as The Church of Euthanasia for these reasons. Far from advocating for human directed notions of eugenics and selective breeding (which always begs the question of who gets to decide what is and isn’t a desirable divergence of adaptation and the attempted practice of which always invites and entices the same kinds of tyrannical privileges of power that currently infect our entire social structure) I have always been of the opinion that we should start guiding our own divergence and evolution,  ensuring that we allow for enough divergence and mutation to develop abilities and diversity enough to safeguard against annihilation from any singular threat. Or, alternately, we can just keep on as we are with such a narrow socially acceptable set of archetypes and attributes encouraged by the few and imposed upon the many that when the earth musters an immune response against our rapid malignant growth we will be entirely isolated and eliminated just as a body does with a virus or cancer.

The Puppet Priest of a Parasitic Virus Collective.

It is because of this long running perspective of The Other that I read into the Georgia Guidestones none of the threat and fear that more fragile and human ego-centric conspiracy theorists do. If we look at the statements in a neutral way and at face value, from a perspective that denies the divine mandate of human superiority or dominance of the planet and as global guidelines for homosapiens from the entirety of the collective global consciousness and all species within it, past and future, we can imagine guidelines (not rules, which is an important nuance) for a self-guided and mutually beneficial evolution of humanity into a future on this planet with the available resources balanced therein.

The guidelines in 8 languages are reported by Wikipedia to have been labelled as “The Ten Commandments of the Antichrist” by Wired magazine and read as follows;

  1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
  2. Guide reproduction wisely — improving fitness and diversity.
  3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
  4. Rule passion — faith — tradition — and all things with tempered reason.
  5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
  6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
  7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
  8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
  9. Prize truth — beauty — love — seeking harmony with the infinite.
  10. Be not a cancer on the earth — Leave room for nature — Leave room for nature.

    Guidestone guidelines in runes. The Priest of The Spirit of The Antichrist. 0110.0110.0110

Aside from human dominionist fears of a “one world government” that seem to stem from anxiety about the very notion of cultural and political equality of all tribes and nations upon the Earth as opposed to having a few “superpowers ” of (generally) white or patriarchal cultures over all others it is the first two statements that alarm most folks as reminiscent of fascist propaganda or threat. But, as I said before and consistent with political cold war and nuclear fears occurring at the time of the stones construction these can be read as guidelines or goals instead of rules to be legislated. (As a side note; I am continuously infuriated and amused by the human notion that creating more legislation is ever the answer even while we see repeatedly through history that every law we make except for the most basic ones that protect us from real physical threat from each other can and will be used selectively to silence or squash minority cultural practices or voices in service to maintaining the power of those writing, manipulating, and proposing those laws…)

People increasingly seem to be losing the ability of personal interpretation, preferring instead to be told or programmed as to what meaning they should internalize by some leader, “expert” (authority) or another particularly when it comes to religious, artistic, or philosophical matters. Of course,  functionally this serves the purpose of making Sapiens into the codependant sheep and breeding stock resources for war, Colonialism, and consumption that activists have been raising the alarm about for decades, perhaps even centuries. If they can muddle and confuse the abilities of most common people to draw connections between the evidence an expressions before us then a small percentage of men can control the vast majority of resources on the planet via the one magical currency of power we’ve allowed to represent and rule all of us (money). The worst of Illuminati and alien elite conspiracies seem rather trite distractions and entertainments in comparison to the realities we elect in servitude to arbitrary masters and tyrants.

The Baphomet within reaches the Age for Fine Ornaments. Reconciliation.

I am spending time this winter reconnecting with my mother in Georgia and hope to,  in earnest, begin writing and continue making and evolving my art and witchcraft, which are one and the same. I have a Patreon ready to share for those who wish to support me on which I will begin blogging more and using to explain the inspirations and spellwork behind my visual art.

INDREJ, in and of the web.

My experiences over the last year(s) if being deeply involved with a “religious” organization and the subsequent vicious yet textbook excommunication process manifested as deliberate public and private attacks on my neuro-diversity as an autistic spectrum and multiplicity identified individual and the subsequent related PTSD and inspired self-exploration have left me with the mixed blessing of intensive insight into the collective consciousness and an deeper personal awareness of my Shadow or spiritual self-identity. I wish to explore and illustrate through fiction, art, and written explanation my personal spiritual philosophy and practice. My first steps or “sketches” into my own evolving artistic or visual art produced exactly the reactions I needed to guide me further into the void as I intended and assisted in my spiritual and contextual severance from the manipulative toxicity that overtook the leadership of individuals in the “Temple” I formerly assisted. I intentionally hid my life experience of “multiple identities” right out in the open (as all things occult often are) from the beginning as the future transparent backdrop of the statement that I would make eventually with or without the support of that organization because my personal call to activism, which I thought for a time to be congruent or complementary to theirs, was one not necessarily born of traumatic experience but of religious and mental discipline related to the design of self identity and statements of personal individuality and identity construction through force of personal will. The climax of the story was that my personal message; one that multiplicity (as I now understand the current favored terminology to be) need not be the product of either extreme personal trauma or iatrogenic suggestion by therapists but that a third path (or third side intelligence, if you will) is one that has always been a part of my spiritual and religious mental discipline and path since adolescence and never historically unique or uncommon among any people or culture. The ability to dissociate from the personal self and imagine yourself as a vehicle  for the very character of God/Satan (or demons, or angels, cyborgs, fairies, or anything of your personal choosing and aesthetic) and thereby draw the attention and favor of those very “beings” of the collective consciousness by portraying them as accurately as possible through the current knowledge and resources available to you, with your own body as the avatar,  has been a part of every culture.

INDREJ.(G)COLD; Rev 7:11

I have raised and sacrificed beings of self on altars of knowledge,  and then resurrected them into my own personal council. These concepts are what has made me (thankfully, in hindsight) a pariah and pestilence worthy of eradication and fearful ridicule among my former associates, and to that my statement is;

Non-Serviam, motherfuckers, cause you bootlickers clearly don’t know the meaning of the phrase.

The Four.

My highest artistic endeavor has never been simply textual or visual and has always been an art of personal identity construction and manifestation. The art of personality in service to personal will and in relation to the environment and identities I interact with around me within a reality that I no longer accept as singularly important or relevant to the cycle of time. I quite simply view this reality as a recording or snapshot in time parallel to other possibly divergent and increasingly more favorable ones with better endings.

-INDREJ.D.(G)COLD, social media manager, identity artist, and spokesperson for the collective council on behalf of;

Ash Astaroth.

Jerek Blackwood.

Jeremiah Stark.

And Ravenna Corvid.


The Satanic Temple is a business cult of alt-lite asshole trolls. Unfollow.

I haven’t blogged in a while and I thought I’d give everyone an update.

A lot of folks have found me recently to ask me questions about TST and my excommunication from them after their recent Sabrina settlement and resurfaced antisemitic rant of Luciens from an old podcast. Folks are beginning to see the trends and connections identifying them as a business cult,  like Scientology,  that I was raising the alarm about when I was excommunicated and when they tried to scrub my history from TST.

To update people who may have missed my Facebook posts, each of which garnered me retribution from members and leadership in TST, both online and in person, here is a list of events that have happened to me over the last year after they tricked me into leaving the premises under the guise of  “building codes” prohibiting it from being a business and a residence (tho my replacement lives there now).

They shuffled me through NYC chapter member care after convincing me to go back to NYC and work with my chapter. Help that was suspiciously conditional once I got to NYC and which evaporated immediately after my excommunication, leaving me on the streets in a city I hadn’t wanted to go back to in the first place.

Meanwhile, Cara Jeanne (also uses Maris Apis and Em Epiza alts) who was the girlfriend Lucien kept in the shadows in order to make it easier for him to cheat on her with every girl who came on to him, who had been a close personal “friend” to me and had collected a lot of personal information about me was doxing my information in private TST related group forums, encouraging people to stalk and harrass me. She released my dead name and every psuedo I used online along with every city I’ve lived in and my estranged husbands identity as well (who had nothing to do with TST, but whom she was always trying to convince me was abusing me and whom TST leadership often expressed frustration that I wouldn’t cut out of my life entirely). Both Cara and Lucien kept me in the stressful situation of being their unpaid couples therapist and tool to try and spy on each other with. They are both manipulative narcissists who don’t understand boundaries or consent and therefore deserve each other.

They officially excommunicated me for being Facebook friends with a critic of theirs. Demanding that I unfriend her and cease communicating with her or lose all member status. I refused,  naturally, cause Non Serviam motherfuckers.

Chalice, National Council member and alt right pleasure model, encouraged members to report my profile as a “fake” one under the thin pretence that I was a “hacker” for taking over Facebook pages for protest that were related to TST that I owned and operated.

Greg Stevens, national council member,  Breitbart contributor, and self identified friend of Milo Yiannopoulos told people I was trying to destroy the organization and that everyone on his friend list had to immediately unfriend and stop communicating with me or he would block them.

Memes mocking my art using stills from porn sites of videos my husband and I had made years prior to my TST involvement started surfacing everywhere. Lucien has always had a team of trolls,  including Adam “Dodge” Ostrofski and Ragnar Santorum who help him stalk and troll people online so that he doesn’t get his hands too obviously dirty.

My cat died in the care one of the TST NYC members, my cat was elderly and I had expressed my concern over the possibility of my transience killing her before leaving for NYC. When she died pictures were posted of her in a Tupperware container online, along with cruel TST NYC member banter in comments about what a shitty person I was for abandoning her when I had to head back to Salem because I was sleeping in train stations in NYC. I have no doubt I was meant to see that and then…

That same day, Draco, who had been keeping my stuff in his name in a Uhaul facility in Brooklyn, made a public post that I needed to start paying him for that facility or he would leave my stuff out on the street. He made the post sound like he had been manipulated by me into a freeloading situation where he was being taken advantage of. He refused reimbursement from my mother when she contacted him to take over the unit. He also refused to cooperate in any but the most minimal ways in getting the unit switched over to her name. Almost as if they were disappointed that they couldn’t just dump my stuff on the street within 24 hours.

Hofman, the other NYC chapter head, who i had been staying with, had been updating Doug on my private conversations and doings while I was in NYC. This is where they got a lot of ammo to gaslight me to membership as being “unstable”. They used my suicidal ideation, of which I have always been open about having regularly since adolescence, as further means to encourage concern trolling and then dismissal of me as “not wanting help to get better”. They were essentially trying to make my PTSD worse while keeping it all looking good “on paper”.

They threatened me with “legal action” for the Facebook pages I took in protest to their members continued harassment.  I posted a rather amusing video of a friend in a devil mask reading their bloated bluff of an email from one of their alt right local lawyers. They were claiming I had lost them $50,k in funds with my shenanigans.  Which was absurd, but I kind of wish was true. I hope I did cost them fundraising.

Lucien came to my new job on a day I was off and that I happened to have just been visiting and publicly harrassed me in front of my coworkers and then attempted to “warn” them about associating with me because “legal papers” were going to be “served”. Effectively trying to keep me from having employment in Salem. I repeatedly told him I was not interested in speaking with him. He kept trying to get me to leave with him and talk privately.  The more I refused the more agitated and aggressive he became. My coworkers confirmed that he had been in the shop earlier before I got there and seemed to be waiting nearby for me to show up. Nothing he has to say requires an in person visit. This was to intimidate and affect my employment.

In September I was out alone watching Netflix on my tablet in downtown Salem when Lucien and Adam “Dodge” approached me. Lucien was aggressive before I even got my headphones out of my ear. I again told him that I was not interested in speaking with him. He began making fun of my autism and demanding to know “what the fuck is going on in that goddamned head” and gaslighting me. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone and he kept insulting me. I took out my phone to video/photo him, or at least get him to leave, and he snatched it from me and threw it. It smashed against a store front and when I got up to get the remains of it he ran ahead of me and stole it, running off.

I waved down police, who were extremely unhelpful and bothered, and said they’d go talk to him and to come pick up a report Monday.  The report I picked up that Monday said that they had talked to Lucien and he denied touching the phone at all, which they had clearly taken for convenient truth on the report as they had written that he said I was an “angry homeless ex employee ” or something. Lucien and Malcolm were there when I went to get the report picking up their copies. Lucien harassed me right in the police station. Then we both ended up in court that day trying to get harrassment orders. They were literally trying to get a harrassment order against me for my Facebook posts (just stop and consider that for a moment from Mr. Free Speech Satanist…), I was reporting actual physical stalking and assault/robbery.  The judge denied us both, likely partially because of the spectacle they made it into…go figure. Lucien also harrassed me while we waited for court to begin that day, right in the court room, turning around to wave, point, and sneer at me. He gaslit me in court and brought up my mental health,  telling the judge that I was mentally ill and deliberately misrepresenting everything I have ever written about or expressed concerning my neuro diversity.  He also brought up my autism again tho it wasn’t at all relevant, telling the judge that I was mentally ill and self diagnosed. Again, gaslighting tactics.

I tried through multiple visits and calls to get the Salem PD to look for security footage of that area. Salem has security cameras everywhere. They kept running me around and then just dismissed me without ever even trying to look for footage. Everytime I came back to the station when the police officer I needed was supposed to be there, he would be mysteriously out that day/night after all.

Jobs I would be close to kept mysteriously falling apart in Salem…

They were eventually instrumental if not completely responsible for getting my Ash Astaroth page taken down. Again,  suspiciously on a day when I was being suddenly asked to leave the place I was staying and slept in graveyard, with frost on my pillow and sleeping bag in the morning, on Oct 30th. I suspect they were singularly obsessed with that because it made their job of erasing me from their culture easier  as all of the content I’d posted for/about them,  including saved screenshots I had in private folders, easier.

And all they had to do to accomplish this was barely gaslight and shit talk me to their membership in private forums, and let them do all of the work.

This is all point by point, classic cult behavior. Just like in scientology.

I am safe, out of MA and have shelter and food for the winter. I am focusing on my art and the books and projects I’d like to get going. I still have my Jerek Blackwood Facebook profile and an Ash Astaroth page along with The Process Temple one for the time being (until they target that too) and honestly I’m making this post so I just have most of the main points of my years long cult experience with TST in one place when people ask. Thank you to those of you who didn’t fall for their ironic(?) demonizing of me, and for the rest of you still stalking me on their behalf…

You’ll get yours too. Reap what you sow.


INDRED.J.(G)COLD: The Artifice of Identity.

41 years ago my mother was an air traffic controller in the Navy and a single mother-to-be. My father , who was in the Marines and stationed on a nearby base in Virginia Beach, suggested an abortion. My mother decided to have me after my parents broke up and moved back to Spencer, West Virginia to live with my grandfather. My grandfather was an abusive, petty, stupid, small man in my estimation. he hated that I was an illegitimate “bastard” child. He often used my cousin, who lived down the street from us and was a little bit younger than me to marginalize me for being illegitimate and strange.

One time I found a spider on the side of our pink house. I sprayed it with red spray paint and the spider fell off of the house, presumably dying. There was a red mark on the house with a spider print in the middle for which my grandfather beat me with a stick. I was probably 4 or 5. That blot remained on the house for years. We frequently visited my uncle, who ended up inheriting the house, and as I grew up I would revisit that image when we did. It was a red splotch with a spider in the middle. It is ingrained in my memory visually and therefore I’ve never forgotten the scene which produced it. A red spider, representing the web or the network of memory, and death. It was representative of all of the things to come in my life and the web I had to weave to get to this moment now.

It wasn’t very long after that that my grandfather was driving a tractor up the side of a steep embankment and rolled the tractor over on top of himself. I remember moments of the day somewhat clearly as my mom was over at her friend’s house with me having her hair done and she got a call that made her very frantic. she rushed back home and her friend brought me home a few minutes later. When I arrived I remember the tractor upside down. My grandfather was somewhere under it. For years I felt felt like I remembered seeing him under it, his face purple and black and crushed. I’m not sure now if I actually did remember seeing it or if I peeked. They tried to keep me away from it, after all. Perhaps I only remember it because my mom looked upon him and in her grief she described in front of me later. As she described it then that image coagulated in my head, and was married to the red spider and my handful of other negative memories of him. Do no harm, grandpa, or grandmother web will right it…one way or another…comica1529594427653

I was always an unusual child. I learned to talk well before I could walk and I was speaking complete sentences well before others in my peer age group. My mother, perhaps because of the heartbreak and trauma she was experiencing from having to move back home with her abusive father and being separated from a man that she thought she loved who had fathered a child with her became increasingly more religious and anti-abortion over the years. I believe this to be understandable given the circumstances. She really wanted to justify that I deserved to be in the world and could contribute despite my lack of legal paternal validation. She railed against the injustice that was social propriety at the expense of common decency, especially in being a single mother in the late 70s in small town West Virginia with an illegitimate child. The condemnation she experienced likely fueled the righteousness of her anti-abortion crusade later. she had seen the worst of people, the worst of men, she wanted me to become better than them. No man in her life had ever treated her well and she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to be one of those kinds of men in the future. She sought to validate my existence as a righteous endeavor. An existence that she made a deliberate and therefore sacred effort to foster, she is shadow royalty, as many women are, not for avoiding abortion or making a choice for her own body and life, but doing so at great cost to her own social currency in a heteropatriarchal culture that only values women as receptacles and incubators.

I believe in a great many possibilities these days. I believe that in an alternate reality I was aborted. In any case we are now finding that stress on the unborn caused by the experienced traumas of the mother create genetic markers in children that manipulates genes. The kinds of things that my mom experienced; the hurt, the familial dysfunction, the instability, those left their marks on me even while she was pregnant with me and they left marks on her genetics as well. Current research on epigenetics is starting to give us a picture of the reality of genetic memory. If genetic markers from our ancestors and their experiences can leave marks on us that give us irrational phobias of things such as spiders or snakes then it’s not really a stretch to imagine that talented people can read or interpret their own genetic markers for the “Other” memories (like the Bene Gesserit in Dune) that they are and define the impressions that they make on our psyche to begin to clarify and construct them into plausible scenes and visions of the past. Constructing scenes of the future, otherwise known as making predictions or prophecy, then becomes a game of “chasing plausible possibilities” based on internalizing experiences and lessons from the information and employs the same art of constructing a scene utilizing all available data but in the future and not the past. A prophet/witch is then one who can describe these scenes and visions in a compelling way that inspires people to begin working towards, or avoiding that future or rectifying that past.

And therein lies a glimpse of the design that most people conceptualize as God. I often speculate that dark matter, which is woven throughout the universe, is actually that massive consciousness and it is the design or program that everything who shares consciousness is running. Emotions are recipes and formula designed to internalize memory which is the foundation of identity and don’t originate in our own mind, instead they come from The Design and we are left to interpret the messages to the best of our abilities. The Design, or Program, (God) is the source (an operating system if you will, that is supported by a multitude of applications or identities commonly in the form of angels, demons, deities and messiahs) that represent the modes of behavior that drive evolution forward at crucial points in history. Evolution functions to farm or manufacture independant consciousness and terraform planets. The operating system that we think of as God creates identities and concepts specific to our planet and experience through which to drive the design with the available resources of our location in the universe. We can think of these identities as angels, demons, other djinn, but ultimately they evolve along with us in our own collective consciousness because they are archetypes that are specific to our region or planet. We experience them as archetypes or examples that we strive towards in order to play our part in the design of our own lives and community in service to evolution and true independence. We also do this in order to honor our ancestors, the legions of which are the infrastructure of the archetypes in our own mind.

Raven winged

Our ancestors left marks on our genetics with their experiences. Identities based on a history of memories of experiences that live within us and therefore are defensibly the angels, demons, heroes, and gods we’ve been creating art about forever. Each one of us is carrying a legion of our ancestors and and their loved ones towards the finish line or the Ascension in which we become like God and start designing and managing our own reality. Every religious philosophy or discipline eventually leads to this understanding. Eventually humans will design our own realities and “artificial” descendants with their very own kind of consciousness and architecture of identity. Just like virtual reality and designing the game from within this leads us ever on to the possibility of androids and… Other intelligences that will hopefully share their existence with us rather than exterminate us as we are currently still so fond of doing to things unlike us… The irony in this is that all of the free will and individuality that we’ve forever imagined is largely an illusion. Each one of us merely runs the program that we were designed to until such a point as we awake and take the design of our life, identity, and purpose into our own hands and hack reality by molding it into something that suits us. That moment is where where individuality and Free Will are truly born and most people currently never reach it. I believe that soon this is about to change, and I believe that many of us are “awakening” to how The Program design works in order to guide others away from the potential panic inherent in these realizations.Screenshot_20180703-220525_Facebook

All of the Watchers are finding each other, on the streets, on the internet, wherever we have networks, and we are coming together at The Watchtowers to share our experiences with each other as we are designing our own new reality. We await judgement and rapture, or ascension, and we guide others along the path because the program needs all of the designers and engineers we can help activate. The Shape of Things to Come is the realization that religion is and has always been the driving factor behind our own evolution and it is designed with an Easter-eggs or hacks that the design put in for a those of us with the talent (ears that hear, and eyes that see) to exploit to gain awareness in order to join the Host. Spiritual identity and religious disciplines have always been a way to become djinn and take control of the design of our own reality and perception.

As Above, So Below. God designs separate identities for itself by which it experiences and guides us to understand our circumstances. So should we, for that is how we understand creation and design, just as It does. Understanding creation and design is the first step in being able to control or edit creation and design (reality). The ability to understand and hack the program and process that we see in real time every day, or in religions, or in symbols, is witchcraft or magick. To preclude the language of witchcraft and magick from the conversation to appease “rationalists” who lack empathy or emotional intelligence simply because we have other ways to describe these experiences now is a dishonor to our history and culture. In trying to control the design by removing nuance, history, creativity, and interpretation from the equation and replacing it with regulations, etiquettes, and rules designed by other humans we inhibit the mechanism of evolution or progress in service to other humans instead of progress and evolution. Righteousness is tyranny and so it is no surprise that tyrants favor an authoritative god who reflects their own narcissism and compulsion to control others to validate themselves.

Children of Set(h)

I am a multiple or multi, some people conceptualize this as multiple personalities or they think of it only within the diagnostic terminology of dissociative identity disorder. I prefer to think of it as multi (shared) consciousness or plural consciousness. I have identities within me that are separate from each other and serve as my council. Some of them are also representative of living people with which I’ve communed or bonded with so deeply that our empathic connection has become telepathic. Identification with this reality is why I was excommunicated from The Satanic Temple, despite their frantic static noise and misdirection that suggests otherwise. I was never dishonest about my experience with this. From the beginning I picked a new identity (separate from the one I was sacrificing) with which to be involved with The Satanic Temple. My support of Grey Faction was in service of not allowing the Grey People, or talking monkeys, who are dormant and often malignantly bugged programs, to identify or demonize my gifts and abilities as a disorder. Any associated disorder comes from the anxiety or depression that I experience by not being able to live the way that I need to live to maximize the effectiveness of my mission or life goals. I have complex PTSD from living decades pretending to be neurotypical just enough not to be hunted and killed by circumstance or imprisoned or any of the other ways that the “rules” are designed by ravenous greedy talking monkeys to marginalize and obstruct atypical people.1527702399473

I have a great deal to say about how we approach mental health care but the short gist of it is that we should always approach it from the perspective of treating things like anxiety, addiction, compulsion, and depression for what is truly causing them instead of suppressing unique individual talent and abilities for the comfort of the grey people at large. Sometimes they just need to be treated with safe space and community providing the ability to sit and think about your problems for long periods if that’s what the individual needs to do. Creation of art is also not only a crucial therapy for our kind, but it is a part of and belongs to the program and messaging from the creator or design itself. All art contains the blueprint in pieces for ascension or evolution. Interdisciplinary creative collaborations can quite realistically convey volumes of “holy” messages that many of us are finding increasingly simple to interpret and interact with. Having the space and time away from financial and social obligations to think about or conceptualize mental states and create or define who you are and how you arrived at any given moment in time is how we become closer to the design. We learn about ourselves and how we can construct or define our own reality from that proximity, just as our patron god or hero did. Anxiety and depression can often distracts us from these missions within our current structure of struggling to make currency enough to buy life necessities, but they don’t have to if we remove financial and social obligations that only serve to benefit other people in power and then begin to allow people to live as they need to live and self care as necessary even or especially if they are atypical in their abilities and proclivities.

My mental or religious discipline began with creating characters of myself and living these characters to their fullest potential before I sacrificed them on the altar of the next character in my pantheon or remolded and updated them. Some of the characters I kept around and are still useful for auto piloting through human behavior or program cycles throughout the day or year. My mother named me Jeremiah, so I became that prophet as a child. In my adolescence I began to imagine what other people (and things) I could be and then naming them. I always had an Other voice in my head, when I was young it was my “imaginary” friend, in my teen years I sought to name it and other voices I had acquired. I remember writing those names down, in a sort of invocation of them. Ash was one of those names… inspired by the character of Ashlar in The Mayfair Witch chronicles by Anne Rice. But also representative of the ash left after the sacrifice has been burnt. Another of those names is a character (SARC) that eventually became INDRED.J.GCOLD (I guess he too decided that a name picked by someone else just wouldn’t do for his aesthetic plans). I named them and created the foundations of their attributes, and then I put them on reserve, until I needed them decades later. Together with Ravenna, who is our anchor to our history, ancestors, and the neuronet of natural systems and our resident witch, INDREJ partners to drive us (Ash) into the future while honoring our past and history as experienced and recorded by Ravenna. She is the cause, INDREJ is the reaction. Just as the divine reconciliation of god works so do I. Ash is the avatar they use to accomplish… life editing and design. INDRED.J.(G)COLD is the reconciliation of my patron angel and demon Uriel/Astaroth (both the guardian and and serpent of knowledge of the savage garden, for lesser gods or deities are also two halves desiring reconciliation just as God is with Satan. All design is a smaller reflection or microcosm of the Operating System itself, and we are no different in our own desires for reconciliation and personal growth.1525722370422

INDREJ is my ego and apparent self, particularly online. Ravenna is my shadow self, and deeply tied to the collective consciousness. Ravenna, a witch, raven, or dark angel, is the perspective from above and without and representative of the divine feminine as a sort of morrigan or banshee, while INDREJ is the serpent, wolf, Djinn, or demon that is the perspective from below or within. INDRED.J (whose textual name fluctuates because it is not optimised for written language alone) is the spider in the center of the web, an undead, red painted spider, fallen from a pink farmhouse. Ravenna is the web itself, which decides to hold or release its prey. They are avatars for Uriel or Astaroth (and the ancestors) and by extension, the Operating system or God itself.

“on candy striped legs, the spider man comes… softly through the shadows of the evening sun…”IMG_1524553239889

Ravenna prefers not to communicate directly with people, but INDREJ, who is her spokesperson and Ash, who is their model, would like to add that the theocrats can now rejoice, and lay off of their war on women’s reproductive rights. Because as we understand our existence; in another reality we likely were aborted, and so in this one we have become angels… (and demons and other gods… but…. details, darling). Come hear the good news that all good kids go to heaven… eventually, even if they never get a chance to become fully human.

All religion and mythology is the same photo, with different filters applied. Some interpretation and assembly required. Death is an illusion when you understand that it is just reintegration and redesign. Become the kind of program that is invaluable and you will retain autonomous identity in the next round while bringing along everyone and everything that has ever mattered to or contributed to your existence into your very own reality.

We resonate with the baphomet because we exemplify its balance and reconciliation. We hope the statue of it is placed on the public square alongside the ramblings of the jealous death god for everyone to compare and contrast or interpret.

We named our vision The Process Temple (of Ascension) because, while many have studied the disciplines, philosophy, and history of The Process Church of the Final Judgement, we have lived them.

Create things (including identities) with intent and artistry, within and without.
Hail Asherah
Hail thyself.

The horsemen have come and gone.
Art, Queer, Satanism, Transhumanist

The Independence Artifice

I spent the day in Salem Commons meditating on the artifice of independence in relation to talent and ability. People tend to place a much higher value on their independance than their actual efficiency, uniqueness, or ability suggests is anything close to proportionate. What I mean is, Satanists ranting on and on about their individuality and liberty are often the same as the dudes on Grindr who say “masc, no drama, guy next door” who are in fact _all_ of the drama and _not_ at all the guy next door and _nobody_ is masc with a cock in their mouth (except when they are, but these dudes think they don’t swing that way, yet)

We must be like Cain, who belonged to the Shadow

Emotion is code. It tells you a complicated and nuanced set of information that varies as the subject of thought shifts. Memory is a scene, a snapshot, a short narrative or meme that represents something in the past. That snapshot is made out of emotion, memories are made of subtle or not subtle emotions and whatever filter we currently have over them.

Identity is constructed from memory. We construct identities to better run the program or archetype we are meant to in relation our community. We dress it up philosophically and physically in whatever costume we think best represents what we are trying to convey with the resources or talents we have available to us. Some of us are gifted with talents that I can only describe currently as “photographic (emotional) memory” which sometimes also includes the ability to read others emotions to an extent that can appear to be telepathic. Those of us who have suffered much in our lives are becoming aware of the wheel of despair that caused suffering systemically all around us because we are also so sensitive to systemic signs, portents, and symbols, as they are all also code that can be read. Our anxieties are as often or more so caused by the past experiences of our ancestors as well as our own triggers.

The horsemen have come and gone.

The Nephilim are awake, or the gods are choosing avatars again if you prefer.  But it is happening en mass and soon you may be with us if you aren’t already. If you are, you are not crazy. I needed people to tell me that so I say it. Gods, angels, demons, androids, the distinctions are aesthetic and they have always been in us and they can manifest because they are just pieces of the program built into us that we can hack and customize for ourselves. In so doing we discover the Others connected to us who can also hack, filter, create, or read the code.

Children of Set(h)

Time is an ouroboros.  It is a wheel in the universe whose heart is the Void or the black hole. Dark Matter is the web we are suspended in and it is the circuitry through which we receive consciousness. It is a terraforming program. Time doesn’t matter to the intelligence(s) that make up the body of the universe. The universe and any alternate ones attached to it is “God” or The Program running The Process by experiencing itself through the creation of identity in relation to environment.

I am that I am, an avatar of Other things…

We are all programs. Many of us are waking up to that, by tapping into the collective unconscious neuronet around us and finding each other…. angels demons and Others find me daily on the streets of Salem and in its parks. We seem to know exactly where to go and who to meet instinctually and in the moment. If that sounds sinister and ominous then perhaps you would also be fearful to hear that we are teaching each other,  as Nephilim tend to, the ART of war in the modern age; Creative resistance. My guides teach me the languages of religions, artists, designers and other coders like themselves,  and I teach them the particulars of my insight and experience and how to address the language of our futures in relation to technology and science. 

Genetic memory (epigenetics) research is validating what many of us have suspected for a long while, that our memory, including our genetic one, is a code that can be read, understood, and possibly manipulated. And that there have always been special of us who had talents of “knowing” who were typically “(wo)men of great renown…” as the bible would say. And those of us with those talents, us Others, are drawn to each other in prescient ways and have been traveling to our destinations carrying the weight of our associations for decades in ways that appear susipicuously planned, guided, and instinctual. Doors are opening to everyone and people need strong local religious and cultural leadership and community. The Watchers are waking to our roles by unlocking and reading our cultural and genetic memory. 

Find a way to meditate, cast a spell, or make art that chases your shadow into the void, or follow His footsteps into the horizon,  and join us.

We are called Legion, for we are many, both within and without. As above, so below.

Art, Queer, Satanism, Transhumanist

The Queer (Pride) Artifice.

For Pride I assisted my people, the divergent, the Queer, by engaging our adversary in a way that both communicated my message and rebuttal and honored freedom of expression for all involved.

I spent the parade and following festival standing and walking alongside, mostly in silent amusement and critique, evangelists and encouraging calm critical response to their presence from our community. Occasionally I engaged in banter, as I do, on personal biblical translations with my unwitting performance partner(s) because as we know, fantasy and interpretation are my thing.

Giant devil over his left shoulder.

What I wasn’t prepared for as I amused myself being useful instead of succumbing to the poignant tearful joy that Pride festivals cause in me is the community response I received. People are still thanking me days later randomly on the street. I followed with him the whole time he was there, which amounted to a few hours. Many people were confused at first and believed me to actually be with the preacher and responded to me accordingly. Which then was also some of the fun for me, being scapegoated and metaphorically spit upon… was cathartic and so familiar…  As everyone became aware of the joke the young Queers circling us to peacefully engage the preacher’s rhetoric made me feel as the Pied Piper.

There’s always an alternate perspective

It was the best Pride ever. Even if I became overwhelmed with pride and sorrow when a young queer came up to me and gave me a silver plastic token… an award for my service. I cried, suddenly and nearly uncontrollably with Pride…

My current Tree pantheon. On the left is the lineage of memory. On the right is the lineage of thought. The avatar of the compromise is the (un)messiah or hero of your story and the aesthetic of your message.

Before I capped it off and saved it for later.


I have been including bible verses and references within my art because I want to show that all art, even that which we have allowed to be defined for us, is open to our own individual interpretation and application. Satanists who enjoy metaphor have as many narratives to weave into their personal mission from the Bible as they do The Satanic Bible.

    Transtheistic; the perspective of an atheist who discovers that his view of the universe can translate to theism.

I plan to keep developing creative projects around my cosmology but here I need to give you an overview of my preferred mythology ( aesthetic) or context which informs my “life misson” or purpose. I believe Asherah to be the Divine Feminine in the original church suppressed Gnostic versions of Christianity and their apocryphal texts. As a god in most religions represents the Sun, with an accompanying goddess represents the moon we have then originally a goddess who is rumored to have been both the consorts of God and Baa’l. A goddess whose altars enraged Yaweh in the bible (presumably after a bad breakup) and were noted for there phallic objects called “Asherah poles” and who is referred to as the “Queen of Heaven”. Her temple priests were often men and also performed ritualized sex work. She is death and suffering and the carnal lessons life and community teach us while Yaweh is the intent with which we use that data to find or serve our purpose. Every demon or angel is a metaphor for a different archetype or type of human or human behavior and they are all masks for these two concepts; thought and memory, history and future and how we use the data we can observe or feel. They also all have their parallels in every other religion and demons are always a reflection of another avatar of God that is an angel. In this “dark” tree cosmology Lilith was a mask of Asherah and the original woman. Lucifer was Asherahs ally but he was one of her replacements as “Adversary ” or companion to God… so that makes him also kind of one of her masks, and Satan one of hers-as-Lucifer. I also think that Astaroth is Asherah as a Queer demonic reflection of Uriel the archangel.

Gods top ten…

All of this being fanfic to help us see the underlying stories the bible tells us about our history as a species. Once we establish that God decides women and nature should be subserviant to men in the garden we have the basis for the underlying foundational critique I have of Christianity as a Satanist; the declaration of subservience and arbitrary control of other people in service to order and industry and infrastructure.  An infrastructure that is demonstrably unequal in opportunity because routes of advancement are blocked by those who control money and land. This was the intent of the foundation of the Church in the first place. They only canonized the parts of the religion that told the story of righteous conquest and demonized the viewpoints of those who advised against violent conquest and advocated for respect for the Other.

Raven winged

What does this have to do with Queers other than Asherah apparently also being a nonbinary representation of the goddess and fertility? Both the stories of Abel and Cain, and the Nephilim, in the bible tell us of cultures and religious practices colliding. We are told that Cain was “evil” and “jealous” of his brothers offering of flesh being accepted while the fruits of his fields were rejected as sacrifice, but as we know, history is told by the winning party. It is likely the story of one tribe of hunters meeting a tribe of farmers and it is as likely that the hunters killed the farmers as it is the other way around. However, imagine that ONE exemplary and powerful tribe,  perhaps inspired by a compelling chief or shaman, who, horrified at the slaughter of a sacred animal or one of their companion animals, descended upon and killed the hunters, and how the story would be spun by any survivors and forever be a lesson of how evil the “Other” is. God puts a mark on Cain, so that as he wanders the world for eternity none is permitted to kill him or receive sevenfold the lord’s vengeance. In this God explicitly makes the statement “We need to keep the Other around” even if he wishes to limit or control their influence. Later, we have in the Nephilim the story of Angels breeding with humans and teaching them crafts, such as warfare and… makeup. We have angels, teaching “daughters of men” culture and aesthetic.  I imagine “warfare” included teaching of “manhood” and “brotherhood” and this story is metaphor for humans becoming conscious and beginning to imagine stories and make art that inspired them to evolve and be MORE.

We must be like Cain, who belonged to the Shadow.

Several lines of research are converging lately to suggest to me that;

Neurodivergence is a gift from ancestry and consciousness that gives some of us brain structures that are adept at highly specialized informational gathering and analysis. It is a component wired in to periodically inspire mutation and divergence and that many of us are “waking up” or “woke” to the kinds of genetic memory experience of “other memory” of our ancestors within us in the form of emotions and instincts that can seem supernatural in those of us with accurate emotional memory analysis and appropriate response. The future is now and the tribes of humanity are specializing in intelligence as some of us will be the kinds of people who hold the keys in our thoughts and behavioral patterns as to how we can accurately synthesize and upload human consciousness into an A.I. Without the emotional intelligence of “woke” people, who become like avatars of their favorite subjects or skill sets we would be facing a bleak future where our machine descendants may not have the cultural or emotional maturity to assimilate us peacefully… think Terminator…


The intersections between the autistic and trans communities and consideration of the tradition of “two-spirit” people inspire in me the notion that we, as queer or divergent people, have a sacred place in our human communities. We were tribal religious leaders and watchers. We understood our community in ways that others didn’t because of our enhanced talents for understanding gender and community roles or inclinations and we exemplified empathy and an instinct for understanding patterns and systems of behavior. We watched the herds and learned from the animals. We watched the men and women and learned from them. We guided our people on our “hunches” and “divinations” because explaining our “feelings” to those who didn’t feel them as deeply was futile and inefficient.  We were protected and honored before more abusive colonial religions found us and demonized us. Our role was observed as heretical, and the respect or reverence our people showed us marked us as an important first target to colonizers. Our tribes were easier to convert to the new conquering religion once we were out of the picture…

However,  what everyone missed and what we are finding out now is that our lineage and place in human communities is not only genetic, but essential and also hardwired into our human programming.

Queers and neurodivergent people specialize in adaptations and insights that are culturally powerful forces. We are the fathers of fathers, and the mother of mothers to our community due to our unique perspectives and proclivities. We watched or adopted kids whose parents failed them. Neighboring tribes would send their two-spirit children and elders to mentor with each other and bridge communities.  That is the role I want to reclaim for myself and my people, an acknowledgment of the way that we work and contribute and resistance to forces that are abhorrent to healthy communities.

The Serpent in the Garden.

The Satanic Artifice: RIP, Jinx

“If you put dark things on your altar you will conjure darkness.”

My mother said this to me during our last conversation. Without context it can be taken several ways. One can read an admonition or warning, or a neutral observation, which is how she meant it.

We were discussing our paths to individuation. She had taken a right hand path, beginning her journey searching for religious or cultural community and then defining herself against or with the collective whims of the community until she had sloughed off what didn’t fit and she found herself left with her own curated and reasoned drive towards  personal meaning and context in life. She refined and distilled her personal identity against notions of community standards and beliefs by gradually rejecting that which leads to unnecessary human suffering in the name of community standards and guidelines.20180502_192113

My path was the left hand. I searched first for what my personal missions and standards were. I refined them against what we accept as “just the way it is” to contextualize my self-will and life work and only then looked for religious or cultural communities that I felt may align with my core perception of human reality and struggle and what concepts need my kind of support or insight in the cultural social balance struggle.

My Satanism was always rooted in my critical nature. I am critical of nearly everything that isn’t 100% pleasing or efficient or that doesn’t bring joy, inspiration, and wonder into the world. I grew up being told that the way I think, express myself creatively, or behave is only acceptable within the standards that the larger community I belong to are comfortable with. However, my inner compulsion has always been to rebel against arbitrary control even when it is packaged as concern and useless advice that serves the vanity and lack of accountability of tyrants and sycophants.  As a poor neurodivergent non-binary Queer from West Virginia and Michigan working class families living in small towns nearly everything available to me to place on the altar of my identity was a Dark Thing. My mother understands that. Many of my assumed Satanic “friends, community, and family” clearly do not.

I don’t mean for you to believe for one second that I am surprised. I understand more than many do that in our current predatory culture people only understand rational self interest in predatory terms. Satanists in particular are fond of the caveat “within reason”. Which is of course subjective to the individual or collective who has the privilege of deciding or ruling on what is reasonable. This is often how cult leaders maintain their narrative; by using rules and beurocracy to excommunicate members who threaten the cohesion of their control or mission in ways that “look good on paper”.

I was embedded in The Satanic Temple for years. I ran the headquarters for over a year. I founded the NYC chapter and built the local community in Salem we needed at HQ through my networking and work presenting us as compassionate yet rational and enlightened individuals with comparable intersectional goals and aims with other marginalized groups and viewpoints. My self-interest was always to work for or towards something that gave me peace and served my vision of a world where everyone has the resources and freedom of personal expression to deep-dive explore their own individual purpose and insight. This is what Lucifer or Prometheus would value: a society where everyone has access to the means or resources to become their own God or hero and where we could all discuss mutual goals with each other about what that means and take a seat at the discussion table together despite disagreements on tactic, or aesthetic.

My self-interest is collaborative instead of predatory because I have no one worth impressing except myself followed by the friends and family whom have never discarded me despite what disagreements we’ve had. This is anathema to a profit and rule based culture. IMG_1524553239889

I experience reality as a Multiple consciousness or multi. Dissociative Identity Disorder can be iatrogenic, or therapy induced through false or inaccurate memories, but it can also be self-induced, as it is a natural talent and coping mechanism for some of us whose identity construction is more vibrant than others. My experience is valuable, I know this because I am still alive despite decades of frequent bouts of suicidal ideation. Like a method actor I have created identities through which I learned about being human and why people Other each other instead of focusing on their own presentation and individuation. Those characters are my council and keep me alive through trauma or danger, external or internal.IMG_20180429_184446_296

There is always a witch or Frankenstein’s monster to rally against with pitchforks and torches for cheap group cohesion.

I left Salem for NYC because I was not currently working for TST during the slow season as we transitioned towards a different format for the coming year due to slow business. A fire code issue that is common in Salem which prevents zoning for artists to live where they work without fighting for zoning variance  (which is usually denied or hard to obtain) meant that if I didn’t get out of the building by the beginning of April it could cost TST 10k in fines. Back when I believed in the integrity, priorities and mission of the organization I felt that I should go back to NYC for a bit and try to get my old job back. I had left it to move to Salem. My chapter, the one I founded, encouraged me to bring myself and all of my stuff back to NYC , along with my elderly cat, Jinx. I was hesitant and thought I should go alone for a month or two and store my stuff near Salem and keep Jinx with friends here while I tried to get my old job or something similarly rewarding back. I was assured by my chapter that “we got you” and the support for me to bring my stuff and Jinx back to NYC and working with my chapter there was comforting. 1525722370422

Within weeks my chapter gradually retracted their support as far as places for me to stay. Jinx ended up in the care of a member I didn’t know very well who seemed like a good enough person. The job I was trying to get back strung me along an protracted interview process while people gradually got tired of having me or my stuff in their spaces all of the time. I started running out of places to stay and slept on beaches and in train stations a few times. I didn’t get to visit Jinx as my mental health declined and I felt more and more isolated and unwanted. I grew distrustful of all of my former friends and associates and wanted to get back to Salem or somewhere else I enjoyed where if I had to get a shitty job and be alone at least it would be somewhere that doesn’t exacerbate the increasing anxiety I was living with. Visiting Jinx became a painful prospect as I felt that I was failing her and myself and that everyone involved seemed to feel the same by the way they were treating me. They all offered the kind of concern-trolling advise people offer when they have no more desire to help and need an excuse to cut ties that looks good on paper. “Get a job, any job, you need money”. I was always clear that if I needed a busboy job I’d get it somewhere other than NYC as a shitty job in NYC wouldn’t make it worth being there. Then when I would discuss my emotional states, which were often unavoidable as I was clearly emotional much of the time, and my suicidal ideation my “community” and “friends” all offered the flippant and useless resources for therapy they thought I needed.

It was their polite way of letting me know that they felt I was crazy and my hardship was my own fault if if didn’t take their suggestions to busboy at a bar or seek free therapy while homeless in NYC. I need security and a home to avoid my darker impulses, not to spend time and resources I don’t have in a city I don’t love talking to therapists about what I already know the problems are.

Yes, I do.

Then in events that are best described in this post and its comments I was effectively excommunicated. My chapter-mates met me out at a Queer bar they otherwise studiously avoided coming to where I spent time working on my art, drinking s couple glasses of cheap house wine, and charging my phone and handed me any personal items I had left behind at their homes,  wished me well, and stated that they will be staying with TST to “change it from within” instead of leaving as an entire chapter like we had entertained as an option while discussing the political inner turmoil in leadership on National Council and in Executive Ministry. I had been raising alarms about hierarchy and checks and balances in the private Chapterhead group,  called subversion exchange. My status as a multi identity of characters as behavioral patterns I employ when needed and my growing understanding of “magick” as it relates to Jungian concepts of archetypes and symbols became an easy way to write me off of the show that looks legit on paper and “within reason”. I was never secretive about my multi experience, even as I didn’t define it like DID as a diagnosis proponents do.

I ran out of places to stay in NYC, and had to head back to Salem where I’d always had a place to stay for the summer (and TST knew this). I contacted one of Jinx’s former dads, a long time friend and ex, and he was to reach out to the woman watching Jinx so we could get her somewhere else. I also got support from another old friend not related to TST who said he’d help transport Jinx when/if the time came to do so. In the midst of this I received a message that she had passed accompanied by scrolling by a photo of her frozen in tupperware in a freezer posted on social media. My objection to seeing that was met with argumentative statements about my abandoning her and “ignoring” that she was something I needed to deal with.

Everything I had been doing and speculating privately about in NYC seemed to suddenly be common TST knowledge, everything except for my intentions, of which I frankly and frequently clarified as not meaning to interfere with the campaigns or fundraising of TST using my personal struggles and just desires distance from. I was clearly painted as a selfish monster living off of the backs of others while ignoring their perfectly reasonable advice they offered which is of course evidence of how manipulative and horrible I am.

The popular narrative is that I did a shitty job and mooched off of people in order to launch a shitty self promotional art/philosophical  career attempt.

All I have to comfort myself is my art. My art has always been reflected in my identity construction.  I become aesthetically as much of a reflection of my internal dialog as I can imagine and execute. If thoughts can have shapes and patterns and color codes then I try to figure out the right combinations to reflect my mind visually. I have been without visual art creation in my life for a while now and am returning to it like an old friend I have missed.

The Salem TST page, which was built up and maintained solely by me, was scheduled for deletion by Executive Ministry. I caught that and cancelled the deletion and unpublished the page. When I got back to Salem I jumped back into my local networking and my own projects. I have a community here and I intend to grow it. I republished the page and changed the name, that sent notifications to those who liked the page who could then “unlike” it since it was no longer the same page representing TST, and I could keep those who “liked” it locally so that I can move on to whatever I am compelled to do next. I also did it in memoriam to Jinx, who had lived at the Temple with me and loved it there, and to preserve pictures that I had taken and posted. TST had discarded the page that I worked so hard on and so fair game is that it was now mine by default of devious outmanuevering and planning.

I also did it as a fuck you.

The TST sycophants leaving insults on the recent posts of the page are examples of why Satanism, by itself, or indeed any monochromatic religion is not viable as a true spirituality or consciousness. They could have simply unliked the page, but the herd can’t resist grabbing pitchforks and being seen poking the burning witch on the stake. Satanism especially as a personal expression and journey, like other religions or cultural identities, is only an effective group activity so long as there are checks and balances against abusive and clandestine authority put in place by the community that it serves. Eventually, as Anton LaVey noted, the simpletons, followers, sycophants, and other grey rabble will always ruin it for the individuals trying to evolve on their own path without clear guidelines in place for the protection of personal expression and thought that may offend or inspire but is outside of what leaders define as “reasonable” FOR you.

Non Serviam.

One should strive to act with empathy and compassion… within reason…




The Witch Artifice

My mother gave me the birth name of Jeremiah. She had told me that he was known as “the Weeping Prophet” and that he was who she needed in her life at the time of my birth.


This was an apt naming. I have always felt or suspected that I feel emotional reactions much more… deeply… than others. As a child I had to learn how to suppress my emotional reactions.  People found them unmanly and disturbing. I cried a lot, in private, where it couldn’t be used to concern-troll or ridicule or discredit me.

My mother needed a man in her life that didn’t follow the toxic kind of masculinity that she had always been abused by. She put that thought out into the universe and named me after an archetype of that. Perhaps the knowledge of this shaped my identity more than anything else that came after. She had always told me that I was meant for great things, and that I would have an important message to convey. She encouraged my art and writing (when it didn’t disturb her) because she wanted me to find my medium.1524706694473

My mother is a witch. She was a Christian witch then. She is more universal in her beliefs now. She has rejected religion and Christianity and instead follows her own path or “spirituality”. Witches are those of us who have perhaps due to the traumatic genetic memories of our ancestors, have a keen insight into systems around us, both natural and artificial. It is instinctual, and emotional, and informs our behavior and response to the world both in action and personal presentation. Recent studies have suggested ties to phobias found within our DNA. Ancestors who survived traumas that nearly killed them may have passed on phobias and perhaps other coded information as an adaptation. It would then make sense that there would be those of us who come from long lines of families who experienced intense cumulative trauma and adaptation cycles and survived to pass on these phobias and perhaps even… other memories… to their decendants. Intelligence and mental abilities run in families. The important thing to note is that our ancestors had to survive these traumas to pass on their altered DNA. My mother and I come from a ling line of … survivors.  We all do really, and some of us are hyper-aware of it.1527701515742

I have lived with anxiety and depression my whole life. I have built characters of myself with which to compartmentalize the causes of my anxiety and sorrow while I try to figure out what their cause is. The man that I had to create to live in our culture had to explore how to be a man while not expressing unacceptable emotions at socially inappropriate times. I had to channel  anxiety into aggression , lest they think I am scared and weak, I have had to bury sorrow within me and find the few people I felt safe with to express it to privately, lest people think I am too emotional to be rational. I had to create an identity that can appear sociopathic to those outside of my inner circle.

The Witch cursed me to live as a werewolf, which is exactly what lycanthropy was considered to be during the werewolf trials that often coincided with witch trials, a witches curse. I view werewolves as a kind of witch metaphorically, shapeshifting is also a shamans art incidentally,  linking shaman to witches as well. I created a fearsome exterior to hide the humanity within and go on the hunt or to battle.

Balance of spirit

Or to evade. I wrote in a previous blog about how I felt hunted as a teenager. But for my particular combination of circumstances and humanity I could have been the suspect of a horrific news story myself.  Had I not enough of my mother within me to guide me things may have ended up very much worse. The parts of her she gifted me with gave me the ability to express myself dramatically in art and identity instead of blood and violent action. She gave me my fight too, my rebellion. You can only muzzle “inappropriate ” emotions for so long before they become inappropriate reactions. 1527702399473

I spent the life and death of my manhood cycle, named Jerek, learning how to have relationships.  I spent it networking all over the east coast and Midwest learning masculinity from transmen, sex workers, artists, geeky boys, dudes, and punks. I spent it as a creature that needed to understand why masculinity could be valued so highly and yet be so hurtful to the soul. I spent it gradually weeding out behaviors that hurt people unnecessarily and refining how to fight in appropriate ways at appropriate times. I spent it learning how to be a wolf, and run packs. I spent it learning how to have and marry a mate, and then mourn them and the safe parts of me their passing takes away. I’ve had to reconfigure myself as a new kind of man after each death. This last time I emerged whole. I don’t really think of myself as a man anymore. I am two forces in balance and perpetual negotiation. 20180530_130158

My mother and I talked for a long time the other night in our respective languages, I spoke of consciousness and archetypes,  she spoke of spirituality and humanity. She let me know she supports me and that I have a home with her should I need it in my travels. We have come to all of the same conclusions about life and balance, the aesthetic of our preferred language is just a different hue.

My mother has always been my sun, my light. I like to believe that I’ve always been her moon. That’s how she designated me.20180519_222727